Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
