I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she told me i tasted like america
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
