come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
