They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
