He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
