i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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