After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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