drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
