As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
