All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
