I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
