I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
