i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
