omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
