when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
