Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
