Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
