Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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