Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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