I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
