I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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