If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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