He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
this boner is exhausting
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
