I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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