dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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