I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
