just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
did you just send me my own nude
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
