between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
