why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
