Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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