I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
