I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
