you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
