There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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