you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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