umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
