I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
