Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
