Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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