so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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