I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
