nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
