I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
