I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
