Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
