How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
