matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
