Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
