haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
