My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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