Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
