They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
