we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
