i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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