I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
