Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i already hear my dad disowning me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
